watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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