I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
