ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
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