why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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