You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
