I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
