End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize