TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
