Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
