Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Randomize
