Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
