I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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