I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Text me some of your sweat
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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