it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I need to align my fucking chakras
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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