It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
