I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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