So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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