singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
