Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
