Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
