i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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