Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
