I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
