final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
