The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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