She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
