did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
