dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
