the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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