shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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