You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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