Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
