I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
