Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
