My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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