i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
