you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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