I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize