is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
im holly from the hills drunk
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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