i think my tv is drunk
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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