Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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