I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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