Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Someone shit on the floor
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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