So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
