I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
