There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
