walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
