How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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