Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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