I wish my penis had an off switch
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So much Jack, so little girl.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
