Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
