you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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