Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Dear god my vagina.
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