She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
