i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He felt like a one man threesome
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
