she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
