I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
