I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
